The Ives Family

Crazy, loud, funny and at times obscene are some of the things that describe my family. There are twenty-six grandchildren, fourteen great-grandchildren and four great-great grandchildren and a host of aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and friends piled into my house on every holiday. Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday of them all. For the past 40 years my family gathers into my grandmothers’ house and eats until they are seconds from exploding. Even though, my family spends most of the time yelling and screaming at one another, the time we spend together is priceless. Every year my mom sits with my aunt and plans an elaborate Thanksgiving Day. When doing so my mother and my aunt make seating arrangements (which never work our), specific dishes that will be served and make calls to find out exactly who will be attending the dinner. The seating arrangement is made to lessen the amount of arguing within the family members, but each year it fails horribly. My family is unique in so many ways. My family is very big in size and all of the grandchildren are a year apart and we fight like cats and dogs every time we are together. While evaluating my family member’s behavior during this Thanksgiving dinner I noticed so many things. I noticed how the younger generation despises one another, while the older generations are the ones keeping the family going. Dinner at my house is scheduled to starts at 2 p.m. every year and ends around midnight. Every year my family doesn’t get there until 4 or 5 p.m. and doesn’t leave until the next day. This year I noticed that my families timing was the same as every year but the behavior throughout the dinner was completely different. The entire family seemed to be getting along. We laughed, we cried and we made fun of each other for hours. It was not until 8 p.m. when the firecrackers started to burst in the air. Like I said before my family is very large and with the number of people you sometimes have to be careful what you say and how you say it. My uncle is a very funny guy and he jokes with everyone. His motto is “life is to short, so you better laugh now.” He made a remark to my cousin, Dawah’s new girlfriend, Jamie involving her outfit (it was a little to revealing for Thanksgiving dinner). My uncle simply said that “if the wind blows to hard the world will see all your goodies.” It was hilarious but obviously embarrassing to Jamie and Dawah. Being a little tipsy Dawah called my uncle a few names and pushed him. My uncle being the peacemaker he is didn’t want to fight nor argue. However, my uncle wasn’t going to take too much of Dawah’s bulling. Dawah kept picking and picking at my uncle until my uncle pushed Dawah so hard he went through my grandmothers’ brand new china cabinet. The locus in the fight was an internal and external factor. My uncles’ sarcasm and joking manner made things spiral into a downward spiral. Emotional Intelligence played a key part in this altercation because it was evident that it was an accident. My family’s ability to read my uncles nonverbal ques and his emotions helped everyone to know he was sorry. My uncles’ kinesics, gestures and silence said it all. It regretted what he had done and said. It is very true that communication can’t be taken back after one says it. Although everyone was in shock to see that this 60 year old man had that much strength but the fear of how my grandmother would react was our number one priority. Running around like chickens with no heads was what my family looked like. Trying to fix the problem before grandma came down those steps was the agenda. We worked together and for two hours straight we didn’t argue or fuss with one another. The room became cold with fear when we heard footsteps coming from upstairs. We all gathered around and held each other praying that she wouldn’t notice. She walked into the doorway and said “praise the Lord, ya’ll ain’t arguing for once.” We laughed and with a sigh of relief we exhaled. It wasn’t two seconds after she walked into the room not even realizing a thing that my nephew stated “grandma they broke your Chinese.” Everyone in the room was shocked that this two year old boy told on us. We all busted out in laughter. The fear of her knowing my grandmother was angry, the hate in the air and the constant bickering flew out the window. After long awaited comic relief of my nephew we soon realized that the thunderstorm was about to be begin. My grandmother walked over to be china cabinet and examined each inch of it. She turned around and noticed that once again we were all holding each other to see what was going to happen next. It was this 84 year old woman that stated, “this cabinet was a beautiful gift, but seeing you all together as a family is an even better one.” We were amazed and started to hug each other and my grandmother. At that very point we all realized that my grandmother is the only thing that is holding our family together. It was because of her that our entire family set aside our differences and looked to each other for support and strength. As the night progressed we talked as a family and we discussed our differences to make our lives together better. We became emotionally closer by self disclosing our past hatred for one another. We finally delved into the two dimensions of trust by gaining the emotional level that we all lacked with one another. The three levels of confirming and disconfirming communication was met. We recognized the problem, acknowledged that something needed to be done and we the help of my grandmother we accepted each other as one. Later that night I took it upon myself to find ways that we could resolve our problems in the future in a more productive way. For the past 20 years I can only remember unproductive and unresolved conflict, there was no better time then the present to find ways to communicate better. After searching the web for a few I found a website that answered all my questions. This website (www.kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/family_fights.html) is a very proactive web page that helps siblings, parents and ultimately the entire family learns how to deal with conflict. It allowed me to narrow down what needs to be done in every conflict. This will help to resolve our once irresolvable issues. When thinking about my families past I depicted the situations that stood out to me the most and how we could possible resolve them. The number one issues what communication. In every relationship communication is key and that is something my family didn’t have. The resolution to that is clear cut, communication. The next issue is our listening skills with one another. My family does not listen to one another. To have a good relationship with one another we have to take time out to listen. The resolution to that is to seek and observe feedback and ask questions. It was clear as crystal that our family changed for the better this Thanksgiving. We spent the entire weekend getting reacquainted and strengthened our relationships. Black Friday we had a ladies day out and went shopping. While the men stayed at home and slept. After going shopping we came home and too our surprise the boys weren’t sleeping they were putting up the rest of the china cabinet. They had all chipped in and bought my grandmother a brand new one. At that instant I was aware that each one of us began to have a dual perspective of one another. We were able to be committed and we became I-thou’s again. That confirmed that this family is not only the definition of unique but is also truly a family.