The Ives Family

Crazy, loud, funny and at times obscene are some of the things that describe my family. There are twenty-six grandchildren, fourteen great-grandchildren and four great-great grandchildren and a host of aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and friends piled into my house on every holiday. Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday of them all. For the past 40 years my family gathers into my grandmothers’ house and eats until they are seconds from exploding. Even though, my family spends most of the time yelling and screaming at one another, the time we spend together is priceless. Every year my mom sits with my aunt and plans an elaborate Thanksgiving Day. When doing so my mother and my aunt make seating arrangements (which never work our), specific dishes that will be served and make calls to find out exactly who will be attending the dinner. The seating arrangement is made to lessen the amount of arguing within the family members, but each year it fails horribly. My family is unique in so many ways. My family is very big in size and all of the grandchildren are a year apart and we fight like cats and dogs every time we are together. While evaluating my family member’s behavior during this Thanksgiving dinner I noticed so many things. I noticed how the younger generation despises one another, while the older generations are the ones keeping the family going. Dinner at my house is scheduled to starts at 2 p.m. every year and ends around midnight. Every year my family doesn’t get there until 4 or 5 p.m. and doesn’t leave until the next day. This year I noticed that my families timing was the same as every year but the behavior throughout the dinner was completely different. The entire family seemed to be getting along. We laughed, we cried and we made fun of each other for hours. It was not until 8 p.m. when the firecrackers started to burst in the air. Like I said before my family is very large and with the number of people you sometimes have to be careful what you say and how you say it. My uncle is a very funny guy and he jokes with everyone. His motto is “life is to short, so you better laugh now.” He made a remark to my cousin, Dawah’s new girlfriend, Jamie involving her outfit (it was a little to revealing for Thanksgiving dinner). My uncle simply said that “if the wind blows to hard the world will see all your goodies.” It was hilarious but obviously embarrassing to Jamie and Dawah. Being a little tipsy Dawah called my uncle a few names and pushed him. My uncle being the peacemaker he is didn’t want to fight nor argue. However, my uncle wasn’t going to take too much of Dawah’s bulling. Dawah kept picking and picking at my uncle until my uncle pushed Dawah so hard he went through my grandmothers’ brand new china cabinet. The locus in the fight was an internal and external factor. My uncles’ sarcasm and joking manner made things spiral into a downward spiral. Emotional Intelligence played a key part in this altercation because it was evident that it was an accident. My family’s ability to read my uncles nonverbal ques and his emotions helped everyone to know he was sorry. My uncles’ kinesics, gestures and silence said it all. It regretted what he had done and said. It is very true that communication can’t be taken back after one says it. Although everyone was in shock to see that this 60 year old man had that much strength but the fear of how my grandmother would react was our number one priority. Running around like chickens with no heads was what my family looked like. Trying to fix the problem before grandma came down those steps was the agenda. We worked together and for two hours straight we didn’t argue or fuss with one another. The room became cold with fear when we heard footsteps coming from upstairs. We all gathered around and held each other praying that she wouldn’t notice. She walked into the doorway and said “praise the Lord, ya’ll ain’t arguing for once.” We laughed and with a sigh of relief we exhaled. It wasn’t two seconds after she walked into the room not even realizing a thing that my nephew stated “grandma they broke your Chinese.” Everyone in the room was shocked that this two year old boy told on us. We all busted out in laughter. The fear of her knowing my grandmother was angry, the hate in the air and the constant bickering flew out the window. After long awaited comic relief of my nephew we soon realized that the thunderstorm was about to be begin. My grandmother walked over to be china cabinet and examined each inch of it. She turned around and noticed that once again we were all holding each other to see what was going to happen next. It was this 84 year old woman that stated, “this cabinet was a beautiful gift, but seeing you all together as a family is an even better one.” We were amazed and started to hug each other and my grandmother. At that very point we all realized that my grandmother is the only thing that is holding our family together. It was because of her that our entire family set aside our differences and looked to each other for support and strength. As the night progressed we talked as a family and we discussed our differences to make our lives together better. We became emotionally closer by self disclosing our past hatred for one another. We finally delved into the two dimensions of trust by gaining the emotional level that we all lacked with one another. The three levels of confirming and disconfirming communication was met. We recognized the problem, acknowledged that something needed to be done and we the help of my grandmother we accepted each other as one. Later that night I took it upon myself to find ways that we could resolve our problems in the future in a more productive way. For the past 20 years I can only remember unproductive and unresolved conflict, there was no better time then the present to find ways to communicate better. After searching the web for a few I found a website that answered all my questions. This website (www.kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/family_fights.html) is a very proactive web page that helps siblings, parents and ultimately the entire family learns how to deal with conflict. It allowed me to narrow down what needs to be done in every conflict. This will help to resolve our once irresolvable issues. When thinking about my families past I depicted the situations that stood out to me the most and how we could possible resolve them. The number one issues what communication. In every relationship communication is key and that is something my family didn’t have. The resolution to that is clear cut, communication. The next issue is our listening skills with one another. My family does not listen to one another. To have a good relationship with one another we have to take time out to listen. The resolution to that is to seek and observe feedback and ask questions. It was clear as crystal that our family changed for the better this Thanksgiving. We spent the entire weekend getting reacquainted and strengthened our relationships. Black Friday we had a ladies day out and went shopping. While the men stayed at home and slept. After going shopping we came home and too our surprise the boys weren’t sleeping they were putting up the rest of the china cabinet. They had all chipped in and bought my grandmother a brand new one. At that instant I was aware that each one of us began to have a dual perspective of one another. We were able to be committed and we became I-thou’s again. That confirmed that this family is not only the definition of unique but is also truly a family.

He Said, She Said

http://ezinearticles.com/?Men-are-From-Mars-Women-are-From-Venus&id=392958

Communication is obviously one of the most important aspects in any and every relationship. From past relationships I have found that my male relationships differ from my female relationships. When communicating with males, I find myself rarely expressing my emotions and when communicating with females, I always express myself. After five years of being with my boyfriend, Corey, I noticed that we communicate on two different levels. I show my emotions in every situation and Corey, at times doesn’t know what emotions are. Corey and I have known each other since we were three years old and became friends soon after. The communication we shared when we were friends was straightforward and easygoing. The communication we share as significant others are complex and difficult. We tried desperately to find ways to communicate in an effective way, but each time we failed. The last attempt was to write letters to one another, this was by far the key source to the success of our relationship.

When evaluating past and present relationships, it was clear that the way in which you communicate is solely on the relationship itself. Friends, family members and significant others all communicate in different ways. Corey and I communicated by writing letters and our goal was to save our relationship and prosper as one. I believe that the source behind men and women communicating differently comes from birth. Men are taught to hide there feelings and never express themselves. Women are taught to wear there feelings on their sleeves. Everyday of your life you are supposed to live up to this gender biases and play your role as a female or male. Communication goes hand and hand with the behavior that is taught to both genders.

In the book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, indicate that men and women are different and it’s ok (the link above will show some of the differences that are outlined in the book). We as people are suppose to see and understand the differences and embrace them. When looking up information about the book I thought of the quote that states “opposites attract.” This quote is very significant in my romantic relationship with my boyfriend Corey. Corey and I are like day and night and we love each other tremendously. Opposites are what makes the world go around, if everyone was the same, diversity wouldn’t exist. Men and women will forever be different, and it’s ok.

There are many communication theories that can be assigned to the difficulties women and men have when communicating. The two theories that I am going to focus on are the Uncertainly Reduction Theory and Muted Group Theory. The Uncertainty Reduction Theory can be compared to this topic because if a woman or man feel that their partner is a stranger in regards to communicating, then the communication is lost. Being defensive in a relationship is a sure way to lose the relationship. If there is no sense of unity or understanding then opening up to one another is never going to happen. The Muted Group Theory is a theory that is based on how men and women view certain aspects of the world. Perception is key to this theory, women see the world one way, while men another. This theory underlines and enhances the views on why men and women speak different languages.

Three years ago on December 24, Corey and I traveled on an emotional rollercoaster together. Not realizing that good communication was the key to our success, we argued, screamed and used profanity to get our points across. After many regretful words and eventually a breakup we soon realized what we did wrong. Distance and the right amount of communication is what brought us back together. We couldn’t believe that we ended a relationship over petty and trivial behavior. Hours of being upset and wanting to still argue, I dove deeper into the situation. Corey and I at that point never fault or argued about anything. I knew at that very instant that the volcano was going to erupt. I sat and thought about everything that he did that made me mad. I began to spit out the dumbest and simplest things that he had ever done in the three years we were together. I was shocked when he started to do the same. We argued and argued but surprisingly after that argument we found an even slate and knew at that moment how to argue by not doing what we were just doing.

As I was taking the gender communication quiz Corey was insisted upon taking it as well. When he used his domineering personality to express his views and opinions I immediately answered true to the question stating “Men are more likely to interrupt women than to interrupt other men.” I pose this to be true because if the tables were turned and a man was taking this test, I strongly believe that Corey wouldn’t express his needs to take the quiz. Throughout the quiz we argued about some of the answers but shockingly we agreed on majority of them. One of the questions that we argued the most about and had very different views on was the question stating, “Men not only control the content of conversations, they also work harder in keeping the conversations going.” I felt as if this statement was completely false and it is definitely the other way around. I believe that at least in my relationship that I control the content and I keep the conversation going. Corey on the other hand felt that this statement was true. When reading the story in the Mercury Reader entitled Sex, Lies and Conversation. Deborah Tannen, the author helped to make the answer to this question clear. According to an observation done by scientist Andrew Hacker, “although American men tend to talk more than women in public situations, they often talk less at home. And this pattern is wreaking havoc with marriage.” In this story one character clearly states that his wife is the one that starts and keeps the conversation going. My views and beliefs were shown to be correct.

Corey and I evaluated our communication habits and we discussed the reasons why we think we are so different. I started by stating that he doesn’t think before he speaks, however he has a come back for everything I say before I even say it. He began to state that I think too much about a situation and with that said that is why I get so angry with him. We discussed many things but at the end of our conversation I told him that we never really talked about our communication habits. I stated that I do not like the fact that he holds everything in and never expresses his issues until it’s too much to handle. He agreed by saying that he doesn’t like confrontation all the time so he keeps things to himself. He then goes on to tell me that he hates the fact that I won’t give him time to take everything in. I then agreed with him by saying that we need to find a common ground that works for the both of us. Corey and I went on for hours about what we like and dislike about each others communication. After discussing this and understanding one another I believe that it helped to make our relationship stronger.

Cleaning House and Moving On

http://thereasoner.com/blog/5-signs-of-narrow-minded-selfish-friends-that-can-hurt-you/

The topic for this blog is one of the most awaited topics to discuss. The topic of cleaning house has changed my life for what I thought was horrible. I soon realized that it was for the best. In high school we were known as the three musketeers, Tempest, Amanda and I. After years of long talks, hours of crying and days filled with fun, I realized I wasn’t getting anything out of it. My first year of college left me with an empty hole in my heart. I thought my two friends could only understand. After days of calling and hoping that one of them would answer the phone, I was left by myself. A week goes by and they both call me back. Talking back and fourth and trying to see which one would make me feel better faster was my goal. When the phone was placed back down I realized that I never stated what my problems were. I only heard them talk about both of theirs. At that very moment I understood one of the most valuable things in my life; never put other people’s feelings before my own. I continued to call and see if things we going to change but to my surprise the patterned continued. I made plans for Amanda, Tempest and I to hang out and inform each other on our lives but they never showed. I was in the restaurant waiting and waiting but they never came. I made plans for us to have movie night like we use to and I found myself watching the movie and eating the popcorn alone. After trying numerous times I became drained and emotionally unsatisfied with them both. A few weeks after having that revelation I broke free from Amanda’s grasp and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. At the end of all of the drama I found strength and that’s all I needed. The stress of not resolving things took a toll on every relationship I had. The people I thought I could vent to proved over and over again that I couldn’t. I worked desperately to salvage the last of the musketeers by letting her say and do whatever she pleased. She was very egocentric and had a pseudo-listening style. I was seeing the same pattern all over again. I was not able to talk about my issues but once again I ignored my feelings. I began to counterfeit my true feelings and change my emotional language. I quickly realized that I was changing myself for someone who could care less. One month ago to this date I cleaned my house completely. The last straw was pulled and my emotions got the best of me. Tempest and I could not be friends anymore. I was sick and tired of being around people that didn’t care about me. I was done. After expressing myself in such an emotional manner I stepped back and wondered why I invested so much into this long relationship. Friendships should be about something so much greater and when you can relate it the Social Exchange Theory, I believe it’s time to leave. I didn’t and still don’t want to save this friendship. I have changed and grown into a better person and I’m ready to have better friends. I am in my third year of college and I can truly say that I love being me. The people that I let go are no longer holding me down and preventing me to prosper. I have a loving boyfriend of five years and a new best friend that is there for me when I need her and vice versa. When writing this blog I thought about so many things that I wanted to compare this situation to and the one thing that stuck out in my mind was the relationship with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. I am fully aware that people can make their own decisions and at the end of the day if something goes wrong you can only blame yourself. I truly believe your surroundings and people in your life can hurt or help you. Britney was living and loving life and doing what she had to do, it was only after spending some time with Paris when her life spiraled out of control. Britney’s inability to remove herself from the negative lime light endangered her ability to do the right things. If Brittney would have cleaned house and removed herself from the negative atmosphere she still would have been successful and more importantly still had her children. Fortunately, I was able to remove myself from the negative people and bounce back and live life. When searching for scholarly information about my situation I ran across a blog that discussed the issues I was going through. This website focused on selfish friends and the author is a man that has been blogging and giving out information for many years. I chose this information for two reasons, one because it focused on my situation and two, it was done on a professional and intelligent blog. The author of the blog is known as the reasoner and has a host of ways to get in contact with him. When going through the different situations with my friends I truly believed that something was wrong with me and I was the one that was doing all the wrong. When I first noticed that I was constantly leaving the phone the same way I got on it, I began to reflect on each conversation post mortem. The things on this website are all the things I noticed. They only called me when they were depressed, only cared when I agree with them, and constantly acted stubborn and righteous. All these things helped me to cope with the loses. I soon realized that IT WASN’T MY FAULT. After going through so many changes, my life is better. I have found that cleaning house is not a negative aspect. Life brings you different people and it is your responsibility to see what’s right for you. People change every second and leaving people behind is something that as times needs to be done. Evaluate your life and make sure that your are getting something out of the relationships and if not let it go.

How Do I React???

http://www.archives.gov/research/vietnam-war/casualty-lists/nj-by-town.html

Although many things make me stop in my tracks and either think about my life, smile or frown the one thing that changed my life drastically was the story of a 19 year old man. This man gave his life up for his country in the Vietnam War, my uncle, Richard Ives. It was on my fifth teen birthday when I was told the reason behind 5 Ives Court, the street I live on. Growing up I just thought it was ironic that my street name was my mother’s maiden name; little did I know it was because of my uncle. My uncle Richard was one of the youngest solider to die in the Vietnam War and it was because of his devotion to his country that his life was cut short. Richard Ives was born August 8, 1946 and died on January 13, 1966.

Uncle Richard was the second person in my family that devoted their lives to the army and had the burning desire to fight for the country; unfortunate he was the only one that died doing so. The street was named after him because of his inspiring attitude to fellow soldiers and his ability to receive a medal of honor in such a short time. He was the oldest of five children and he left behind a loving family, a fiancé and unborn son. His son Richard Jr. was born five hours after he was declared dead. His stay on the army base was a short three months and through letters, he stated “I would do it all over again.” The story of my uncle saddens. He was going to marry the love of his life Gradys Ivery on January 18, wedding was going to a homecoming and a wedding celebration, he was suppose to come home a on January 15.

At age fifth teen I was immature, self involved and eager to live life. When I was told this story I instantly matured and looked at life differently. After a very emotional hour of being proud, sad and curious I understood and appreciated my uncle. Even though I never met him, living on that street and knowing his story helped me to know him. I pride myself in being his niece and I keep his photo with me. His sense of determination and pride has helped shape me into the person I strive to be. I wanted to be dedicated to everything I was involved in, whether it is in relationship, organizations or school. I want to succeed and live life to the fullest. The army is most definitely not for me but when my uncle lived his life he didn’t just limit himself to that, he had a fiancé and a family that he loved and took care of.

Many things in life can change your perspective on things and change the way you live you life. I am grateful to have my uncle apart of my change. It has been five years since I heard that story of my uncle and I have noticed that at times that determination to mirror him has in both senses hindered and bettered my life. My senior year of high school I tried to get a 4.0, by doing this I forgot the meaning of hanging out and being a kid. When applying for schools I had more than thirty schools in mind and only truly applied to two. Trying to mirror my uncle’s success made me understand that life is only what you make it and your goals are a measure of what YOU think is successful. I wasn’t able to graduate high school with a 4.0. I graduated with a 3.5. I wasn’t able to apply to 30 colleges, only two actually interested me to take the time out and apply. Losing all my friends, forgetting the meaning of fun and the stress free lifestyle is something that I won’t ever be able to get back but the knowledge of knowing that it’s OK to be me will be something I keep forever.

After going through these years of change and trying to make sense of life through my own eyes I was able to lay my emotions out. I realized after hearing my uncle story that I didn’t want to be him or mirror him, I wanted to become a good enough person that would be remembered. I am a funny, inspiring and strong woman that loves life and I truly believe that I would be remembered. I also believe that hearing my uncle’s story has helped me to take life by the hand and live it to the fullest. My mother and I talked one day about my uncle and she described him as one of the best men she has ever known. She said even though she was really young when he died, she remembers his demeanor and the way he communicated to others. My mom said that “he was able to make something that was impossible to understand, understandable.” After taking my EQ test, I was scored as a good communicator. I may have not been able to be exactly like my uncle but I have similar motives in life and good communication skills will help me to be successful just like him.

Many years since my uncle’s death have past and my family has tried to keep that wound shut. Memories of him involve stories, a medal of honor and flag is all that my family has. While looking for information about my uncle, I was somewhat doubtful because I was told it was going to be almost impossible because it was so long ago. I looked and looked and was stocked about the limited information given. After a few days of looking I found a website relating to casualties of the Vietnam War. Even though it wasn’t a lot, it was enough. I called my mother and she called my aunt and it became a celebration. Everyone was ecstatic to see my uncle remains a legacy.

Welcome To My World: WHAT IS SUCCESS???

http://reserve.studentambassadors.org/reserve/Login.aspx
http://www.aiga.org/content.cfm/what-is-success
http://www.math.ucdavis.edu/~saito/success.html

Who am I??

My name is Alyce. I am female, college student, loving daughter, sister, niece, aunt, granddaughter, friend and girlfriend, just to name a few roles I play in my life. Throughout my life I have taken on many roles that help mold me into the person I am today. I can truly say that I am proud of who I am. If I could describe myself in one word I would say I am universal I do not discriminate on race, religion or gender. I am someone that can blend with many people and different groups. I am a bubbly person that loves life. I am known for many things, such as my bright smile and contagious laugh. Like most people I chose what I want to tell people and what I don’t. Yes, trials and tribulations have come in and out of my life but I still remained strong. I am a very strong woman and I am inspired by other strong women. I think often about who I will become 20 years from now. I see myself as a strong independent woman that helps the misfortunate and the poor. I want to be well established in the event planning business, married with at least 2 children. As we all may know life changes for the good and the bad and only God knows your life from start to finish. I am going to stay strong in my Christian faith and remain in the church. No matter what life brings I will remain goal orientated and try and accomplish my goals and aspirations. I want to live my life helping the people that aren’t as blessed; this will make me take note of my success and my blessings. I sometimes think of my past and the reasons why I am the person I am today. Many people have stories that are put on the back burner because they are either to hard to speak of or have been suppressed. My story is something that I embrace. I was born six months early and I was a twin. Because of the high risk pregnancy and the pre-term labor my sister Andrea died two days after we were born. I thank god every time I think of how blessed I was that I survived. Life is something that I don’t take for granted and I appreciate every minute of it. After learning of the death of my sister I thought about the relationships in my life and if they benefited me or hindered me through life. The people that has always helped me was my mother and my boyfriend of five years. They both allowed me to be the fun loving person I truly am. These two people and the many things in life that i have been through helped make me to be a stronger and more humble person. I have been to the top of the hill and college is something that I have waited for and at times in life I thought I would never achieve. When choosing a major and thinking of career goals many things crossed my mind. I wanted to pursue psychology, marketing and many other majors. After thinking about what would benefit me the most I chose to pursue a major in communications. I believe that communication is one of the most important things in life and is the key to success. Without communication life would be pointless. I hope to continue the search for myself and find out news things everyday.

I belive that nonverbal and verbal communication goes hand and hand with each other. I know the saying the once you say it, it cant be taken back but the way in which you act such as facial expressions and body posture can say a lot as well. If you say something you nonverbal communication will shine through and the person speaking or listening can read you like a book. So with that said I believe that nonverbal communication is SLIGHTLY more important.